I always had a great relationship with both of my parents. My mom was always caring and spoiled me with her love, and my dad was the guy I would sit around, watch TV with, play guitar, and have fun. He ALWAYS made me laugh without fail. My parents got divorced when I was very young so it became routine for me to go back and fourth between houses. We started to notice that my dad was coughing a lot and couldn’t keep his food down. Numerous doctors said that it was acid reflux, not to worry, take some mangosteen. We didn’t think much of it until my dad really could not keep from vomiting every time he ate. We were worried but every doctor we went to said it wasn’t anything to worry about until finally in the summer of 2008, a Cat-scan showed a baseball sized tumor on his esophagus. It was the summer I graduated 8th grade and was preparing for my first year in high school. My dad (in true father style) told me that it would clear up soon with a little chemo and radiation and I (in true ignorant child style) believed him. Everything was normal for a while. He would go to the hospital, get his treatments, it was no big deal.
I remember the first time I realized something was wrong. He told me he was going to shave his head because he was starting to lose his hair. He asked me if I wanted to come with him into the bathroom and help and I said no because it scared me. He understood and two minutes later came out completely bald. It was a bit shocking but it still never sunk in that he was in danger. As time went on and the intensity of the treatments grew, my dad would wake up in the middle of the night and vomit, a lot of the time, there was blood in his vomit. During the day, he was coughing up blood and could no longer talk. The radiation therapy caused him to lose his voice. He couldn’t drive anymore and wasn’t eating much because he couldn’t keep it down. That’s when the doctors decided to surgically implant a tube into his stomach so he could feed himself liquid supplements, by-passing the gag reflex. There was a big syringe attached to the tube where the food would go in. The most terrifying moment of my life was having to feed my daddy through a tube in his stomach because he was simply too weak to feed himself. And still, all this time I thought he would be fine.
The last time I saw him was after school one day. I had really liked this guy in my classes and was begging my mom on the phone to let me stay after and hang out with him. We argued for a very long time on the phone because I didn’t want to go see my dad. “all he does is throw up and make gross noises that scare me” I said to her. She still insisted that I had to go. When I got there, my dad was sitting on the couch, watching TV like every other time I saw him. We sat, I fed him, we watched tv and played a little guitar too. A couple hours later, the phone rang and my mom was downstairs ready to pick me up. As I was leaving I kissed my dad good bye and walked towards the door. Just as I was half-way out, I looked back and called out to him. “Dad?” and he turned around. Then I did our little sign that meant “you are number 1 one in my heart” to him and he did it back. I said I love you and slowly closed the door.
A few days later, September 10th, 2008: I was in Biology class, goofing around at my table during free time. It was a lunch period at this time too so there were a lot of kids outside. Mr. Grinner, a yard aid came in and said my mom was here and I had to come see her. He seemed happy and walked me over there. I asked him “Am I in trouble?” and he jokingly said back “I’d know you by now if you were one of the trouble makers”. I happily walked into the office only to find my mother in tears. I was shocked, I had thought that maybe my dog was hit by a car or something. My dad never crossed my mind. Sobbing she said to me “Shelby, your dad is gone”. I screamed and cried but it didn’t hit me until weeks later. When I walked outside I was still bawling and made eye contact with Skyler. I remember being embarrassed. I went home and slept for hours. Then I watched superstar.
Years later, I have been through depression, losing friends, gaining friends and enough therapy to last a lifetime. I miss my daddy more and more every day and think about him always. The pain never stops, but it does get better. I can promise you that. If you met me, you wouldn’t know what I have been through because I seem happy and well. But never, ever judge someone based on their emotions and don’t think that just because someone seems happy, it is okay to make fun of them because they can’t possibly be going through anything. Please think twice. Thank you reading my story, I know it was long but hopefully it helps. Please contact me if you have any questions. I am always ready to talk. Love always, Shelby.
In memory of Ken Globus.
